I'm not a flush guy, in fact, I am pretty much broke ninety percent of the time. I don't drink, I don't smoke and I rarely have the cash to spring on the things that I'd classify as 'luxury' like a new graphic novel or that amazing trip to Amazon or H.M.V where I stock my shelves with music to write to and film that inspires me.
(In the background a violin starts to play a mournful tune, playing just for me)
Luckily I have a vice that doesn't really cost me that much and fills me right up! That vice is Cinema and due to my most excellent Cineworld Cinema card I can hit the local screens as many times a month as I like for just £14.99. AREEEBA!!!
(Sad music replaced by an energetic Mexican band playing The Automatics 'Monster')
Last year I saw a crap load of movies and I thought 'why not name and shame them?' So I'm going to. Right now!
Contraband 7/10, Haywire 8/10, War Horse 7/10, Underworld: Awakening 6/10.
Chronicle 8/10, The Woman In Black 4/10, Safehouse 7/10, Ghost Rider 2 -547/10, This Means War 6/10.
John Carter 5/10, Hunger Games 8/10, The Raid 10/10, Wrath Of The Titans 3/10, Man On a Ledge 5/10.
The Cabin In The Woods 8/10, Safe 7/10, American Pie: The Reunion 6/10,
The Avengers 10/10,The Dictator 8/10
Prometheus 3/10, Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter 6/10, Brave 7/10, Ted 7/10, Snow White and The Huntsman 6/10,.
The Amazing Spiderman 8/10, The Dark Knight Rising 7/10.
Total Recall 7/10, The Bourne Legacy 6/10, The Expendables 2 7/10, Lawless 8/10, Red Lights 7/10.
The Cold Light Of Day 7/10, Raiders Of The Lost Ark IMAX 9/10, Dredd 7/10, Looper 8/10, The Sweeny 5/10.
Taken 2 4/10, Argo 9/10, Seven Psychopaths 7/10, Skyfall 8/10.
Killing Them Softly 7/10, Gambit 7/10
The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey 8/10, The Life Of Pi 10/10
The rough numbers above are just based on how much I enjoyed the films, not how technically excellent they were or how clever. Obviously the Total Recall remake was not a smart cookie (watch the final reel...O.M.G its dumb) but it was incredibly fun and silly, so it gets the same mark as The Dark Knight Rising, which seems unfair I know, but TDKR really left me cold.
Now that was a very dry and dull way to present a year that thrilled me in so many different ways and so instead I want you to go back up and re-read the list while pretending I'm pulling off a T-Shirt with the films name and then another one with the rating on it in a 'We don't have to take our clothes off,' music video kind of way.
As you get to Taken 2 I run out of T-shirts and have to remove the rest of my clothes. Its getting scary as I reach for my pants and dammit! WHY THE HELL IS IT THE HOBBIT?!
FUCK THIS GAME! I'M OUT OF HERE!!!
(I have posted a pic to allow you a better idea of the what I would look like sands clothes....)