Thursday, 3 January 2013

Worlds Within Cineworlds

I'm not  a flush guy, in fact, I am pretty much broke ninety percent of the time. I don't drink, I don't smoke and I rarely have the cash to spring on the things that I'd classify as 'luxury' like a new graphic novel or that amazing trip to Amazon or H.M.V where I stock my shelves with music to write to and film that inspires me.

(In the background a violin starts to play a mournful tune, playing just for me)

Luckily I have a vice that doesn't really cost me that much and fills me right up! That vice is Cinema and due to my most excellent Cineworld Cinema card I can hit the local screens as many times a month as I like for just £14.99. AREEEBA!!!

(Sad music replaced by an energetic Mexican band playing The Automatics 'Monster')

Last year I saw a crap load of movies and I thought 'why not name and shame them?' So I'm going to. Right now!

Contraband 7/10, Haywire 8/10, War Horse 7/10, Underworld: Awakening 6/10.

Chronicle 8/10, The Woman In Black 4/10, Safehouse 7/10, Ghost Rider 2 -547/10, This Means War 6/10.

John Carter 5/10, Hunger Games 8/10, The Raid 10/10, Wrath Of The Titans 3/10, Man On a Ledge 5/10.

The Cabin In The Woods 8/10, Safe 7/10, American Pie: The Reunion 6/10,

The Avengers 10/10,The Dictator 8/10

Prometheus 3/10, Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter 6/10, Brave 7/10, Ted 7/10, Snow White and The Huntsman 6/10,.

The Amazing Spiderman 8/10, The Dark Knight Rising 7/10.

Total Recall 7/10, The Bourne Legacy 6/10, The Expendables 2 7/10, Lawless 8/10, Red Lights 7/10.

The Cold Light Of Day 7/10, Raiders Of The Lost Ark IMAX 9/10, Dredd 7/10, Looper 8/10, The Sweeny 5/10.

Taken 2 4/10, Argo 9/10, Seven Psychopaths 7/10, Skyfall 8/10.

Killing Them Softly 7/10, Gambit 7/10

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey 8/10, The Life Of Pi 10/10

The rough numbers above are just based on how much I enjoyed the films, not how technically excellent they were or how clever. Obviously the Total Recall remake was not a smart cookie (watch the final reel...O.M.G its dumb) but it was incredibly fun and silly, so it gets the same mark as The Dark Knight Rising, which seems unfair I know, but TDKR really left me cold.

Now that was a very dry and dull way to present a year that thrilled me in so many different ways and so instead I want you to go back up and re-read the list while pretending I'm pulling off a T-Shirt with the films name and then another one with the rating on it in a 'We don't have to take our clothes off,' music video kind of way.

As you get to Taken 2 I run out of T-shirts and have to remove the rest of my clothes. Its getting scary as I reach for my pants and dammit! WHY THE HELL IS IT THE HOBBIT?!


(I have posted a pic to allow you a better idea of the what I would look like sands clothes....)

Maybe not...


  1. I have a cineworld card too! And an unfortunate lack of time :(
    Who's the naked guy? I'm yet to see Life Of Pi.. think it looks a bit boring! x

  2. They are wonderous things aren't they?! I hit the flicks once a week but if I could I'd see everything. The dude is Charlie Hunnan. a brilliant actor whi is doing an o.k job of trying to live up to my physical radiance...Ok, fine, don't believe me! He was in Green Street and is currently in the excellent Sons Of Anarchy as Jax. Next to be seen in Pacific Rim.
    Life of Pi was an astounding book, its an amazing film, but it may not be to all tastes (as no film is).

    Thanks for commenting. Ya awesome!