Saturday, 30 June 2012

The Reaction

The last time we embarked on the journey of discovery that is having a child I think it would be fair to say we encountered some...negativity. I don't believe for a second that some of the awkward reactions and pulled faces were meant to upset or punish us, I think they were genuine reactions of concern, probably due to a worry that we wouldn't be able to cope.

We proved them very wrong.

It was with this in mind that I went to inform those that needed informing and guess what? No negativity. None. There was some surprise, after all we have six children already, but there wasn't that uncomfortable question over our capability. I didn't feel it, I didn't see it and so I must assume it isn't there.

This is a great thing though we aren't out of the woods yet. Time will come on the Labouring job I'm on and if I am not making money from writing or alternative means then perhaps the Vultures will circle once more? Should I worry that they are hidden by the clouds of temporary good fortune or should I simply load the shotgun and know that when they come down to feast two barrels will meet the first fucker that comes sniffing around my economically wounded form?


I'm going to do this one simple thing and I know that it will be very hard to do. I'm going to keep the faith.

I'm going to know that I can get work. I'm going to know that I have enough talent to get me to the dance and release a book or find a way to earn money writing. I'm going to know that what I have here is special, that we have people around us that care and will help all they can...if we need them too.

All the face to face reactions were great but what was even nicer was the support and joy expressed on Twitter, my home from home. We received so many well wishes and cheers that I was quite blown over and I kept telling people it's gonna be 'awesome' and 'fun'. It will be both of those things and so much more.

Thank you for your well wishes and I will keep you updated. If Picard were sitting in the room he'd lean forward, stick that boney finger of his out and say with little-to-no flourish; 'Engage'.

Thursday, 28 June 2012

The Secret

There's something I need to tell you.

Something I could have told you a long time ago.

Something I haven't told the kids.

Something I haven't told my boss.

Something I've just told my mum.

Something only the adult family knows.

Ready? Okay, here it comes...

There's another person in our relationship.

Got that? Yes. That's right...

@mamacrow is pregnant again :-).

(as you read this I will have informed everyone needed. Next post may be the fall out)

Sunday, 24 June 2012

God sits in the Big Chair


Booming music, Bad taste and huge crowds gathered outside a house full of gods come down to Earth for a vacation. An annoying shouting chav is welcoming us to the newest and most amazing season of a program designed to show us the least lovable of all the people in our population...but this year they have pulled off an amazing feat... because this year God and his immortal buddies have agreed to take part. 

Its day seven and Vishnu and Gaia are playing Volleyball in the garden, Set is moaning because someone left the chocolate milk out over night and now it smells 'funny'.

Good morning house mates, this is 'Little Brother', would 'God' please come to the Deity room.

Five minutes later and a dishevelled man with a massive white beard pads slowly in with a duvet wrapped around him. He slumps down on the huge padded throne and flicks his hair out of his face.

'I can't believe you woke me up, this is the first Sunday I've been up early in like a Billion years.'

We are sorry to wake you up early god but Little brother has some questions for you today.

'Fine, but please don't ask me to reveal my power once and for all, explain the 'Big Bang' or give you the answer to the meaning of life.'

Not high on the list for our audience to be honest God. Little Brother understands that we couldn't possibly understand how and why do most of the stuff that you do. To be honest we don't understand why you allow yourself to be represented by some of the maniacs that claim to speak your word.

'You and me both. Sadly I'm locked into a contract with my P.R company and they don't seem to get the 'Peace and Love' message out there like I'd like them too.'

Fine. 'God'? We have questions that have nothing to do with 'the big stuff'.

'I will answer what I can but I'm not a 'Sunday Morning' kind of guy, I'm meant to be resting. Seeing as I'm here though fire away.'

Hayfever? Just why?

Silence in the Deity room indicates 'God' is thinking hard.

God? Hayfever?

'Okay, I can't explain why I'd make anyone massively allergic to something else natural on this world. I could tell you it was your fault for shagging too much and growing your population beyond all original specs and so causing defects...but the fact is as the designer I do have to take the flack for that one.'

Okay, glad we cleared that up. What about the whole three prophets? Keep changing your mind?

'Sometimes people say stuff that I ask them to and then other guys that they hang around with over egg certain aspects that could perhaps be seen as being negative. Being misquoted is a bind but we all know that's the way the world is.'

We would like to ask you what the future brings?

'Sorry, no idea at all. I like to pretend I have all the answers but in truth I'm making it up as I go along. You have been given the whole 'Free choice' thing and that kind of seems to be working out for you...sort of. As it stands I think the best thing to do is just do the best you can. If you do your best and show people some love and understanding maybe that will help them to do the same and perhaps that will pass it along. 
Its true I could have done a better job,but then you could have too. This mess is a comedy of errors that admittedly isn't that funny. Keep the faith, do your best and make that's all any of us can do.

Thank you for your time God. Now we would like you to inform the other house mates that the task for today is to see who can last the longest without clothes at all. If you make it through the whole day then you win a prize, if anyone wears clothes at all then there will be no delivery of dairy goods tonight. 

God shuffles out yawning loudly...

Wednesday, 20 June 2012


Calm down dear, its a showy title actually dies (though my hayfever is making me feel half way there), its the title from a Batman story which saw the then current Robin meet his maker...brutally. No, not the actual death of an actual person but I am going to talk about death in one form or another. Hold on. Don't look too worried, it's far less serious than it sounds.

Now its true that people die and we all must accept that truth, but there are ways to learn about the actual event, how we may react and what the lasting effects could be to us. No, lets not all go out and kill random strangers or even people you dislike (that would be wrong), no, lets instead scamper up and explore that most serious of subjects through the medium of...comics.

No, not comedians (though the death of The Comedian is an important one in comic book history), I'm talking about illustrated stories, crafted by towering imaginations and creative powerhouses. Now at this point I hear you shout 'THEY NEVER STAY DEAD!' There is a certain wisdom in those words, but sometimes that's not true...sometimes they stay dead, and it's the ones that real effected me that tend to stay dead.

Think of comic book death and we know it's a tool to get readers coming in. It increases the numbers of units sold and causes 'buzz' around the book, this is a false economy in my opinion. You kill someone off just for them to come back and you're toying with the audiences feelings. You're disrespecting their commitment to you're story. Granted it can be cool to have someone die and come back but it lessens the impact each time you do it. Does anyone still look back on the Phoenix Saga and not feel a ripple of irritation when they see Jean Grey for the first time, knowing she will be back and then dead and then back and dead again? How about Superman? When he died facing Doomsday it was in all the newspapers and I even took a special trip to Brighton to pick up the special edition black cover issue with the bleeding 'S', but everything that followed that event makes a mockery of that pilgrimage. Then we go to Steve Rogers death on the steps of New York's Hall of Justice, Batman gunned down...the list goes on and on.

Still, enough about the mistakes and the ones that were tainted by later mistakes, I want to take you to two comic book deaths that made a difference to me. They hit me personally and still do. They mean something. In two of those cases they didn't come back.

I thought about the ones I'd seen go like Jean Grey and asked Twitter and a few friends about the heroes and villains that they remember and 'Boy Blue' from Fables came up. Yes, arresting, heroic and sad but not one of my top three. I can think of two who came close, hell maybe they are in my top three, but I'll look at them another time. Those two heroes are Ted Kord 'The Blue Beetle' and 'Chopper' the greatest Sky Surfer ever; he died inches from the finish line of the most brutal sky surf ever in the pages of 2000AD. I was stunned. These two made a huge difference to me but they are not in my two for today. Lets meet the 'winners' shall we? Here they are, in no particular order.


In a story I'd still argue is the greatest Spiderman story ever told one of his enemies came back to exact a terrible revenge for all those previous defeats.In a six part story arc Kraven shot the newly married Peter Parker with a hunting rifle and buried him. It was shocking because Peter didn't leap out in the next issue, no, Kraven pulled on the black Spiderman costume and hit the streets, killing criminals and driving down the crime rate. The Police went after Spidey, his new wife; Mary Jane Parker, sat at home and watched the perpetual rain hammer down on the streets of New York and had to start to face the possible reality that Peter was indeed dead.

It took several issues for Peter to Dig himself out of his grave (having been drugged) and return to her before he headed onto the streets to do battle with Kraven, but he didn't get to fight him. Kraven gave up. He told Spidey he had defeated the local criminals (he had) and captured a killer that had been eating people in the sewers (Vermin). He then released Vermin back onto the streets and told peter to stop him if he could. When Peter Parker leaves to go after Vermin Kraven takes a rifle, leaving all the evidence of his crimes while in the spider costume by his coffin...and he shoots himself.

He knew he was mad. He knew this would be his last act. He won...and to make sure Spiderman can't take that away from him he ends his life. He's stayed dead and though his daughter has come into the comics and he is remembered he has not been resurrected. Nor should he be. Evil Bastard.

It is full of iconic images, poetry and insanity. It conjures up such powerful emotions in me that I will always stay with me.


Johnny Alpha rampaged around the universe as a mutant bounty hunter working for the Strontium Dogs. He was backed up by a Norse warrior (yes I know) who he had met when he went back in time to capture a cold blooded killer called Max Bubba.

Max was super pissed with Alpha and so went down to his home in the country, captured the pair of them and then staked them out in the sun to die slow painful deaths. At this point the rubbing of hands and monologuing was inevitable but what happened next wasn't.

He's discovered and as he tries madly to fight off Max Bubba's gang and free Alpha he's shot and slumps down to die slowly by his friends side. We see the story of how they met, the hardships they went through and as the dawn sun peaks over the Horizon Wulf dies. There's no escape for Alpha either. At the end of that issue Alpha dies.

Okay, so next issue Alpha is revived, goes to hospital and returns to full health, he then goes on a huge killing spree and goes after every single person that helped Max.

For the bonus, and this is important, we have another death that really mattered and that was Max's itself. You see this hero, Johnny Alpha, goes after Max and corners him. There is a gun fight and Max is hot dead, only not. He wakes in a hospital having cheated death. He escapes and heads out of the hospital but Alpha is waiting for him outside.

Max is caught unarmed, unprepared and completely dead to rights. He hasn't got a chance and that's because Alpha had wounded him on purpose. He wanted Max to think he's gotten away with it. Max demands to know why?! Why hadn't he killed him cleanly. Alpha takes aim and shoots him dead after simply telling him coldly why.

'Because I hate you.'

This hero with a gun had become a killer as cold as Max. It was murder. Max deserved it but even with that it was cold...and Johnny never recovered while I read 2000AD. He was changed forever.

That's what death does; it changes those that are left to live with the loss of the departed.


A while a go (not long in terms of the universe, our planet or in fact even our race but still... not last week) me and the family were dragged into a wild adventure, all bound up with a rapping Professor, a film crew and a golden frog. It seems an age ago but perhaps that is the right phrase to use; an age, for I can feel humanity canter towards the next great passage in its majestic story....the age of Elemental!

Think I'm crazy? Really? (You're probably right) Well here it is, the first trailer...yes, you can whisper ''

Before you watch I would inform you that yes indeed, that is me at the very beginning, issuing you into the trailer, speaking lines I had to learn that a lovely man called Alex helped me run through on the day (cheers mate). Its okay, your chest can swell with pride, after all, you now know a superstar in waiting...
(no, its not me really, it is of course the main cast of the Chronicles and the great crew who worked hard to make it, we do like to have fun though here on planet Edd)

Monday, 11 June 2012


I have lots of things to say but no time to say them in so instead of being frustrated I'm going to hit all the points I can think of in short bursts. Some of this needs expanding but I'll let you do that in your own head, in your own sweet time, right now it's time for short form ranting.

STOP - stop assuming people are guilty before they are convicted! John Terry has not been convicted yet, that's not me showing sympathy for a possible racist, no, that's me telling you the truth.HE HAS NOT BEEN CONVICTED YET! If you wish to kangaroo court anyone in the public eye then be my guest but don't then be disgusted by what you are convicting them of before the trial has even been and gone.

STOP - Stop calling people you have never met stupid because of their job. They may be a footballer or a nail technician, a worker in McDonald's or a prostitute. It matters not. What matters is that you are value judging purely on what you see on the surface, look deeper, look harder, find the dedication of a sportsman, the attention of a beautician, the hours put in by a student or a person (male or female) trying to make ends meet in the most desperate of situations. 

STOP - Stop making every summer an 'event' Marvel, it's stupid. Your writers push each and every book and character towards increasingly soulless battles that have no bearing on the core of your universe; your amazing characters. Give them time to develop, change, grow. Please have faith, your audience isn't going to run away because you have a summer of individual storytelling, in fact, if you tell great stories then more will flock to you.

STOP - Stop saying the Conservatives were not elected, it's lazy. In the election they clearly had more seats than their closest rival and then formed a government with the third largest party. If Labour had formed a gov it would have had to use Scottish and Welsh seats, The Lib Dems and also other smaller groups. Each one would have wanted something in the form of a deal and that union would have been tempestuous at best. The Conservatives could also have joined up with U.K.I.P and other fringe elements but decided to form a gov with the Lib Dems. We do not have to like them but please be sensible and accurate when you attack them.

STOP - Stop rewriting your universe D.C. it makes dropping into your monthlies confusing and pointless. If you have serious in house problems then have a strategy meeting, make a fucking decision and then stick to it. You will increase your readership if you tell better stories.

STOP - Stop hiding and waiting for the election Labour. You have a government that is easy to attack in a time when you should be in the ascendance and yet you are almost invisible. You allowed the Unions to elect a leader that they thought they could control and now you can't understand why no-one knows his name? He's still mistaken for his brother when out and about and they believe 'David' is his name. Ed was a mistake. Rectify it and challenge.

STOP - Stop saying Cameron hates disabled people because his son died, it's sick and inaccurate. He is hammering the benefits because that's what they always do to cut the cash flow. It's not about revenge and to insinuate such is cruel and weak. See a man who is not using any imagination at all when it comes to the economic turmoil of this nation, not a Hitler or a Stalin but a man who hasn't got another answer when it's clear that one must be found.

STOP - Stop covering up for Labour's mistakes and crimes, from the selling of our gold at a cut price to getting involved in every war Blair decided he wanted us in. Allocate blame correctly then make certain that you patch over those holes, make a better party that won't make the same mistakes, bring those responsible for illegal actions to trial and then challenge for government knowing you screwed up but can show you know how not to make the same mistakes again.

STOP - Stop and listen. Listen to some music, listen to your partner, listen to your children. Listen to the words of great speakers and listen to yourself. Take the time to realise that you have a place on this world, in this society and in its future, be you eighteen or eighty.

STOP - Stop and think. Think about your day. Think about your responsibilities. Think about your future and think about family and friends and above all make sure you think about your self. Think about what you want to do or perhaps what you wish you could do. Take steps to move towards fixing the things that you want to. Make life better for you and the ones around you.

STOP - Stop stopping, move forward towards your goals, your happiness and your health.

STOP - Stop reading this.

Thank you.  

Saturday, 9 June 2012


This is a world full of butt heads, arseholes and people that for no apparent reason just feel the need to piss you off. This is a sad truth and yet it is not the only truth.

This is a world full of fantastic, wonderful, amazing, inspiring, beautiful people that will better your life in a thousand ways and make laughter lines stretch across your face and make you light up whenever you see them. This is a happy truth and yet it is not the only truth.

This is a world full of people that you don't know, people you will never meet, people you need to believe are going to fall into one of the two groups above but in reality they will no doubt have a foot in both camps at different times in their lives, hell, probably at different times of any one day. This is the real truth and yet it is also not the only truth.

In amongst the vastness of humanity there are extremes that come about, people that are so heavily weighed in one camp or the other that they simply don't step to and fro but jump up and down on the spot. Lovely people that dedicate their lives to helping people, supporting them, nourishing and loving them. There are also those that kill, rape and torture. These people are X-Factors that leap up and grab attention. They are not the people I want to talk about.

Looking around I see a lot of people are pissed off; directly it seems at the opposite sex. Due to bad past experiences and present irritation they lump everyone into the same camp; Man or woman, they become the enemy. But is this an accurate representation of a real person or a entire group, an entire sex?! No, certainly not.

Look to the negative stereotype of the man; selfish, egotistical, sexist, stupid, emotionally stunted and football or music obsessed. That's a fair cop Governor. Thinking about it I'd say that fits most people at some point in their existence. Men and Women alike. It's not great but we have to be honest...we can all be arseholes once in a while. This however does not explain man hate. Nope.

Man hate is here because many men make women hate them. There it is. Truth. If women weren't screwed over, victims of domestic violence, treated like dirt by their partners and other random idiots then they wouldn't hate us, they'd be loving us. If on the other hand you're a women that's stamped on a guys heart, treated him like crap, made him a victim of domestic abuse (obviously rarer than the other way round but it does happen people and there IS less provision of support for a male victim so I'm told) or just generally been a bitch then I hate to break it to you but you're one of the monsters too.

Man hate shouldn't piss me off really, I've known many people that have cheated, lied and generally been cads but that doesn't cover all the men I know and call friends and they have in turn been crapped on as karma (or fate) staggers in and delivers a swift kick to the crown jewels. In truth I've met loads of people that never deserved the crappy people that screwed them up, both male and female, so it must come down to a simple truth...ready for it? Here it comes;

'There is good and bad everywhere, you just have to know which is which.'

I'm not knocking anyone that's been used, abused or simply used to amuse, it happens, it shouldn't but it does. I'm asking you to look at each person and judge them not by their genitals but by their actions. You don't need to tell everyone that 'Men are bastards,' or that 'Women are heartless bitches.' You need to know that the person that screwed you over is a heartless bitch or bastard...but there are more and more fish in the sea.

I know you may feel I'm talking to you, that I can't know what you've been through and you're right, I don't know. I do know what I've been through and those around me have been through and I can guarantee you its not the cock on the person or in fact the vagina that made them treat you like shit...its the darkness in their souls.

Tomorrow I urge you to go out and see people not as gender stereotypes but as they really are; people. Ask they questions, get to know them and if they are arseholes? Simply inform them of this fact and tell them to change their ways, if they refuse? Kick them to the curb. They simply aren't worth it.

You're fantastic, know that and know that you deserve the best, be it from you're boyfriend, girlfriend, wife or husband, co-worker, family member or random member of the public. Conduct yourself with confidence and please, stop the lazy hate, it brings YOU down, not the person that's made you feel this way.    

Saturday, 2 June 2012


Right this is an easy one and really we should all be able to get this by now, but just for anyone that's been locked in a box or perhaps has come out from under their rock I'm going to break some awkward news. Ready?

Breastfeeding is the natural way to feed your child.

There. Did the world end? Did you spontaneously combust? Did I fucking stutter? No. So please, please, please know that the following is an extension of this former statement. The words below always linked to the truth that is combined in the nine words above.

As we move forward we must always look to the truth, so when a woman is breastfeeding a child in public she is doing it to feed her child, not to outrage or titillate you. This is truth.

Its not hard, its not complicated and your idiocy is not acceptable. Women feed babies milk, you have milk in your tea and coffee; it's cows milk, so you are drinking the milk of an animal...that's the weird drink to have. If someone asked you to drink your milk in a small cupboard, the toilet or another premises you would be astonished at their idiocy. You would then know how it feels to make your child wait to feed for no good reason .

People, feed your children if you're able, if not then use bottles and provide for that little person as best you can, don't let anyone tell you that what you're doing is wrong, disgusting or inappropriate. It's not. You're feeding you're child.

It's a sad state of affairs we find ourselves in when there is actually a debate about breastfeeding with corporations pushing against the natural way to feed a child so they can make money, doctors pushing bottles to make children stick to a line on a chart, husbands asking for bottles 'so she stays perky'.

See the words of truth above. Those nine words. Read them, learn them, know them. Knowing these words won't stop you appreciating the female form. It won't stop you looking at breasts as something damn sexy. Nope. It just means they'll be sexier. Not only are they great for all the adult fun times but they will help to raise you're child. That's an amazing amount of awesome right there.

If you are against breastfeeding you are wrong. Learn to be right.

(small add on would be to point out that there is a phrase that is banded around that's just stupid. Here it is in all its glory...

'There are many benefits to breastfeeding'

Right, this is a cock eyed way of looking at it and once pointed out by @mamacrow it's something you can't ignore (at least I can't). Breastfeeding is the natural way a child is meant to be fed and so to say there are 'some benefits' is stupid! It's the natural way we were built to feed! It has only benefits!

There are some benefits to being bottle fed, though there are also some drawback. I'm no expert and so don't want to continue on this trail but to simply say I feel the phrase has been engineered to make it a level playing field between Formula and Breast. That's stupid in itself as obviously one is free, natural and designed specifically for a human baby/child and the other is artificial, costs money which goes to a large corporation (probably unethically pushing their products in the third world) and is designed for consumption by a human baby/child.

Seems to me the choice (if the choice is there) is obvious.)