A Coin Toss

At the beginning of a new year there is a sense of renewal. The promise of hope and a fresh start... or some crap like that. For me, of course, there is a feeling of new luck and I apply that to one of my favourite games of the year: The cinema game!

Each year my buddy and I hit the cinema as much as possible, realistically that means we go every Thursday unless something like life or illness gets in the way. We realised a few years ago that if we didn't go, even if there wasn't something good on then we wouldn't be getting the full use of our cinema cards; the very things that make regular cinema trips affordable, so we started the game. Simple rules for a simple game; if there is a week in which there isn't a film on that either of us want to see then any film is clear to be picked, no matter how shit that film is meant to be.

Last year my mate hit me with some nasty flicks, the worst being the torturous The Incredible Burt Wonderstone; a film so bad it should be made fucking illegal.

The first film of next year is one we were both looking forward to till the word came out that it was dire; 47 Ronin. We held the coin toss on Saturday night round a mates house and sadly... I lost.

Thursday Night Face

Each year starts with the potential to be great, and this years cinema looks like it's going to be epic, but I get the feeling the first one we see is going to be a kick in the nuts for me. It's a long year, and there will be many bad films forced upon weeping film fans, many battles in this year long, rolling war, but dammit...

...did I have to lose the first battle?

Silent Sunday

Cinema: A journey Through 2013.

Using the Cineworld cinema card I can hit the flicks when I want and not worry about the cost, this means that every week, come Thursday, me and my buddy @SchonsEvilTwin are at the flicks. We've had weeks off through illness and general life commitments and we rarely get the chance to dip our toes into art house as the big releases generally snaffle us up, but we've had a great year over all.

The list below contains every film we saw in the cinema and a sentence to give you my view. Hopefully This will be fun...

GANGSTER SQUAD: Solid cop film with a large cast. Made me think 'Holy shit, the T-1000 is very old!' 4*

DJANGO UNCHAINED: Brilliant but brutal and tough to watch in places. A long film packed with incredible performances. Tarantino's best since Pulp Fiction.
5*

THE LAST STAND: Arnie proves he moves slowly and is past being an action star. A terrible, depressingly stupid film.
1*

LINCOLN: Well made but not a film that struck any real emotional cord with me.
3*

A GOOD DAY TO DIE HARD: Die Hard five. It was terrible. Willis coasts and his younger cast members stink. Terrible.
2*

HANSEL AND GRETEL: WITCH HUNTERS: 3D. : A fantasy action light film that has some interesting and well shot action but is ultimately very forgettable.
3*

PARKER: A Statham vehicle that stays on the path of good without ever being great. Also features the return on Jennifer Lopez.
3*

THE INCREDIBLE BURT WONDERSTONE: A film so devoid of comedy or charm that I'd rather chew an angry wasp than sit through it a second time.
1*

G.I JOE: RETALIATION: The Rock heads up a franchise and takes it forward. It's the same sort of silly action as the first one, but better done.
4*

TRANCE: Danny Boyle, James Mcavoy, Rosario Dawson and Vincent Cassel deliver a brilliant thriller that stays with you long after it's finished. Oh, and it's incredibly beautiful and stylish.
4*

OBLIVION: Tom Cruise in futuristic thriller that lifts direct scenes from many other movies but looks quite nice.
3*

OLYMPUS HAS FALLEN: A silly film in which King Leonidas has to save the President of the United States who break into his house. Morgan Freeman also stars.
2*

IRON MAN 3: Shane Black and Robert Downey Jnr deliver a movie that has little to do with the Marvel Universe other than to piss on it, because it's shit, or something like that. *Slow hand clap*
1*

STAR TREK: INTO DARKNESS. A rehash of Star Trek two, only at the wrong time, with a few swapped scenes. Seriously, I enjoyed it, but I can see why many people didn't.
4*

FAST AND FURIOUS 6: Incredibly stupid film which features the worlds longest airstrip. It also ha lots of cars and action and fighting and stuff, and I like that kind of thing when it's done well. It was done well.
4*

HANGOVER PART 3: A funny film, though not anything that hasn't been seen in the first two. More of the same.
3*

THE PURGE: A great premise that quickly becomes mind numbingly stupid with each torturous second that passes.
1*

AFTER EARTH: Nice design but realistically Big Willy and his kid don't make this breathe. A poor film.
2*

MAN OF STEEL: Goyer and Snyder forget they're making a Superman film ten seconds into the movie and unleash flying death merchant for mindless explosions and idiocy.
2*

WORLD WAR Z: Pitt makes a zombie film that bears no real resemblance to the brilliant book and so it shouldn't be called World War Z... but it is a very good film.
4*

DESPICABLE ME 2: A return to Groo and his family. Unicorns, long noses, killer chickens. Awesome.
4*

THIS IS THE END: Crass end of the world comedy that is juvenile, but is entertaining... if you like that sort of thing.
3*

NOW YOU SEE ME: Light street magic movie ruined by all the trailers and thought it was cleverer that it actually was. A likely cast make it less crap.
3*

PACIFIC RIM: Incredibly stupid giant robot kills giant lizard movie. Big, dumb, really dumb and really big. Big dumbness.
3*

THE WORLD'S END: The third part of the cornetto trilogy. Pegg, Frost and Merchant (?) deliver an epic  pub crawl that spirals through disaster and into excellence.
4*

THE WOLVERINE: Action fest that sticks true to the comic book material. The second best comic book film of the year. The best comic book adaptation by far.
4*

THE SMURFS 2: Not as painful as I thought it would be, and yet still akin to slamming your genitals in a kitchen draw.
2*

RED 2: Action comedy I loved. Big cast and big laughs from this sequel that really delivers. John Malkovitch is brilliant in it!
4*

PERCY JACKSON: SEA OF MONSTERS: A decent kids action film that didn't disappoint.
3*

KICK ASS 2: Brilliant. Jim Carrey is fab, as are all the rest of the cast. Memorable, exhilerating, original and bone crunching. Really great off the wall comic book action.
4*

2 GUNS: Denzel Washington and Marky Mark do the unlikely buddy movie with guns and ammo. Good film. A solid piece of action thriller.
3*

ELYSIUM: Matt Damon is bald, he lives on a shitty future world. Earth is shitty, to escape it you must go to where the rich people are. Elysium. Sci-Fi brought to you by the guy that brought you District 9. You can see it's the same guy, but it's gorgeous and brilliant.
4*

PAIN AND GAIN: Enthralling story about three dumb criminals and their antics in Miami. They try to get rich, it goes horribly wrong. It's a good film but it's a horrible story. Hard to recommend.
3*

RIDDICK: A movie that isn't anywhere near as bad as the second one and nearly as good as the original. Not that original, but I did really enjoy it.
3*

RUSH: One of the films of the year! Seventies Formula one gods Hunt and Lauda go head to head in a biopic that's so well made I wanted to watch it straight after it finished. Ron Howard does a stunning job of directing and the two lead actors are amazing!
5*

FILTH: A horrible film about Scottish cops and the race for a promotion. James Mcavoy plays the main character and it's hard to think of a more unpleasant character than this one. Bastard of the year for sure.
4*

PRISONERS: Hugh Jackman and Terrance Howard have their children abducted from a small American town in at Christmas. A tense, terrifying film that is brilliantly acted but will leave most parents hiding behind their hands. Terrifying.
4*

ESCAPE PLAN: Stallone breaks out of prisons for a living. He's placed in a hard one to escape from and things get serious. Arnie is another inmate, looking for a way out. It's not brilliant, but it's not terrible either.
3*

CLOUDY WITH A CHANCE OF MEATBALLS 2: A found my attention wandering as the cool cast from the first film wander around the island with sentient food on it. Not as good as the original, but okay.
3*

THOR 2: Emotional, action packed, funny, silly, rooted in the Marvel universe but accessible to all brilliance! A film I enjoyed more than any other this year in a raw, fanboy way.
5*

A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET: Cleaned up and made pretty this classic didn't fair that well. Notable for it's early Depp death and and it's terrible eighties soundtrack.
2*

GRAVITY: Stunning effects, wonderful storytelling and acting, glorious simplicity that brings incredibly rich performances from its two stars Clooney and Bullock. Film of the year... or is it Rush. Between these two.
5*

HUNGER GAMES: CATCHING FIRE: Another fabulous film from the Hunger Games trilogy. This is a tight, well acted, emotional rollercoaster that never seems to make the lazy choice. Brilliant.
4*

CARRIE: An okay reboot of a classic film, from a classic book.
3*

HOMEFRONT: Statham action film set in the south of the United States. It's hicks v Stathams ex spec forces, undercover killing machine. Great action, tight enough story and well developed supporting cast. A much better film than I was expecting.
4*

THE MUPPETS CHRISTMAS CAROL: Loved it for the three thousandth time! The best Muppet movie by a long way. Also one of the best Christmas films ever made. Brilliant.
4*

THE HOBBIT 2: THE DESOLATION OF SMAUG: I enjoyed it and it didn't feel as long as the first one, but the 3d became confusing in places, and as much as I want to love it, it just missed a certain magic.
3*

MOSHI MONSTERS THE MOVIE: A horrifying cluster fuck of a kids film that left me feeling hollow and lifeless. The worst kind of drivel. Dog shit smeared on the screen could have been easier to stomach.

So, there you go. My  year at the cinema. Warts and all. You'll love some of the films I hated and hate some of the films I loved, that's a given, but I can tell you I felt the year was good over all, perhaps even great? Really enjoyed it and I can't wait for next years batch!

Thanks for reading.

Christmas Cheer

The day has been and gone and all the gifts are opened. Yes, the last few weeks, months of prep have come to fruition and hopefully the house is quieter now, the mini's are in bed and we are all content. For us it's a trying time of year at the best of times and yet, coming into this years, I presumed we would be handing out crackers and having a very quiet holiday.

It was keeping me awake and I was worrying. Work was non-existent, spare cash had become an alien concept and I was feeling pretty down. I remember asking the universe for a break, perhaps a miraculous windfall, a sudden peak in my writing projects, a steady run on a construction project, a regular sailor with needs and pockets full of cash who likes bearded men. None of those things happened though, but still we got lucky.

See, the usual set up is that the kids do a not-so-Secret Santa and buy one gift for one of the kids. Seven gifts cover them and then they get one bigger present from mum and dad. Those we're the gifts that looked pretty impossible this year. But each person got something cooler than they could have expected.

Looking around for deals, for any chance to land a present at minimal cost brought me to an uncomfortable place. I want to spend money on them. I want to have to the resources that I hoped I'd have. And yet, given the circumstances we don't, so when my Dad offered us a free E-Reader that he got from collecting newspaper tokens I said yes. I took that and stuck that under the bed. When my sister said she was getting rid of a t.v that she didn't need I said yes, took the dvd player that came with it, and stashed it. When my sister in law offered us a cheap third hand, but in great condition, netbook we said yes. My brother is going travelling. He was getting rid of his entire dvd collection and said I could have what I wanted. I took loads of them and yep, they went under the bed.

On Christmas morning we were able to give the young kids something we had bought or been given for free and cleaned it up. We gave the older kids something we didn't pay anything for, and they were really happy. It was a really good year. 

I was stuck when it came to my wife, but I waited, took my phone in and slashed my bill in half when I upgraded... and I got a tablet for free with the new handset. The Tablet went to her. So we had a cheap Christmas. And it was really good. Saying that I don't want next year to be like this. I don't want money for money's sake, but I do want to be out of this trap. Because it can be really depressing to have nothing and know that without other peoples generosity we'd be properly screwed. So yes, you can do it on the cheap. Yes, you can make ends meet and still have a great time, and yes, you should always be grateful to the people around you that are willing to help.But it's not a lot of fun. 

Thanks to everyone that made our Christmas possible. It was a great Christmas, but next years will be better. 

Sandwich Roulette

Lunch can sometimes be a predictable, mundane, perhaps even a boring event, even for the most adventurous amongst us. What could we do when that happens? How far could we push the envelope of taste and reason? How far would we, could we, be willing to go... to get that excitement back?

Have no fear, for I have the solution for you. Ready?

Sandwich Roulette.

Now this isn't what you think it is. You don't sit at the table with a mate and smash yourself in the face with a perfectly good bread based lunch until one of you quits. No, it's so much better than that. See this game can be played with young people (children) and adults alike and it can be on comfy, friendly, happy setting, or you can go with full on danger setting.

How does it work? Simple really, just make a sandwich for each person, quarter them and place them on a large plate, then issue in the players (hungry children/willing but stupid adults) and get them to select a quarter each in turn until all the sandwich quarters are gone. Then everyone eats them. Simple right?

The fun really is in how the kids take to it, if they dive in and like to take a few risks then it's all good. If on the other hand they are particular about what they chew then you could be looking at a less exciting time, still, you can still have fun with it.

If it's a hassle free time you want then deliver only fillings they like, if on the other hand there is an adventurous streak to your mini people then include things you'd eat like a cheese and fresh onion sandwich, a super Marmite mouthful, the mighty cucumber, cheese, ham and Marmite combo! Yeah baby.

If someone pulls the 'trap-snack' then you can eat the rest once they've had a bite. Normally we have a great time with a big plate of fairly boring sandwiches, livening up a meal with some much needed laughter. The song is important too...

'Sandwich roulette, Sandwich roulette,
You never know what your gonna get,
with sandwich roulette.'

Give it a try?

Music Monday: Jingle Bells.

It's been a while (I've been busy) but I've decided we need some Music, and of course, this time of year brings that dreaded argument; what makes a good Christmas number one? Personally, I don't give a crap about the number one, though the X-Factor run at it annoys me, I have to be honest. Still, I'm not here to pick five Christmas number ones, no, I'm here to pick Christmas songs I love.

First up we have some Bing, because I can't get through the season without him. :-)





This next one you can play any day, but I always connect it with Christmas and the dark cold nights and the intense feeling of love that I have for the season.




To follow that we have this, something so stupidly cheerful that I can't help but ho, ho, ho.





Yes, I am a cheesy bastard this time of year, why deny it? Here comes the next one, featuring the now deceased comedic legend Mel Smith.





Finally, my favourite Christmas song ever. I hear the first few seconds and I beam and stay beaming till the very end. I love the film it's from and have strong memories of that year. My favourite by a long, long way.




Yes, they may be kind of obvious and certainly poppy, but I love them. What hits the spot for you this time of year?

Silent Sunday

Silent Sunday