I have found myself in an awkward situation and one that seems more difficult to shift than normal. I am officially in a mood, a downer, a negative place that chokes my usual free thought and chipper personality.
It's annoying. I figured I try to get this out and perhaps maybe, just maybe, it would make a difference within the principality of Edd. Ready? Here goes...
I'm pissed off that Sauraus is putting very little effort into his studies, making me feel like a failure as a parent which has the knock on effect of making me regret my own unfocused teens which I still feel impacts heavily on my inability to get a job. I also see that this drives me crazy and fear for his future brings me to a place of panic. Stupid. He isn't me. He does need to work but just because I was, and in many ways, still am a failure when it comes to employment it does not mean he will fall on the same sword.
I'm pissed off that someone unfollowed me. Someone I like and though I had reason to perhaps sever a link earlier I didn't because I considered them a friend. It may be that Twitter automatically unfollowed that tweep for me and so they did like wise and perhaps one tiny, tweet would bring that person back onto my list. But in the mood I'm in I just want to walk away and curse, so I have. Stupid.
I'm pissed off because I have lots to do. I have recreational writing and I have writing that will possibly open doors for me and I even have writing work that promises to PAY... and that should turn me into a dancing fool but instead I find myself feeling unworthy. I look at what I have typed and I delete. Delete because its not good enough. Delete because I'm not feeling it. Delete because it's got some errors that need work and I just want it to be perfect and I know its not and it never will be. Stupid.
I'm pissed off that it's coming up to another Christmas and I'm still an unemployed Muppet who's going to have to scrape around for present money. No, I don't want a fucking hand out. Yes, I would like a fucking job. Sadly the job I want is a writing job...but if you read above you can see how seriously stupid I am.
I'm pissed off that I hate Facebook and I have found myself falling less and less in love with Twitter. I see constant statements of hate all due to how someone voted, madness consuming whole groups of people turning them into pitchfork wielding nutters, intent on burning x amount of the population for having x view about x thing or x event. Where are the level views? Where's the idea of cutting someone a brake? Why the fuck don't I just 'man up' and cut some faces and feel the rage subside? I don't want to. I like these people. So WHY AM I FINDING IT SO ANNOYING?! Stupid.
I'm pissed off that I'm not watching the shows I want to watch, when I want to watch them and yet I'm the one not watching them! I'm annoyed that I can't find myself getting excited about Role Playing on a Tuesday night...and I run the damn thing! I'm Pissed off that me being pissed off seems to be a semi permanent state that does die down.
Looking at my life and I can't understand this idiotic funk. I have a wonderful wife, great, vibrant, mad kids, another child on the way that we will shower with love and a roof over my head. I'm about to have some work included in an on line magazine and it looks great and I've knocked up some really exciting support media. I've got some work that will pay me a damn check for words typed and I feel I'm close to the end of the final edit on last years novel. I even have everything lined up for the next one and a desire to write it.
I don't get it and the thing is I don't think anyone saying anything is going to make it better.
Am I overtired like perhaps a four year old is after a long day in the park? Am I just a fucking ingrate?!
I'm pissed off and I know why...and yet I also don't have a clue as to what's under my skin.
Maybe the sad truth is that I am just not hard working, committed or intelligent enough to do what I'd love to do and in coming to realise this I have found a black hole that is beginning to suck me in?
I have a busy week ahead of writing and socialising and that is what I will do. I'm going to try and get out of this but if I don't I may have to take a serious look at taking a serious brake from Twitter and this blog that I do really enjoy writing.
I'll see what the week brings...
Thanks for reading.