Heroic Baby Picture Of The Day

COINS ON TOMBSTONES

      


I was on Facebook the other day and saw something incredibly interesting, something so interesting in
fact that I thought I'd share it here.

Now it's not long and I don't have extra information on the subject but I am chasing it in the hope of gain extra insight into this and other customs.



COINS LEFT ON TOMBSTONES


While visiting some cemeteries you may notice that headstones marking certain graves have
coins on them, left by previous visitors to the grave. These coins have distinct meanings when left on the headstones of those who gave their life while serving in America's military, and these meanings vary depending on the denomination of coin.

A coin left on a headstone or at the grave site is meant as a message to the deceased
soldier's family that someone else has visited the grave to pay respect. Leaving a penny at the grave means simply that you visited.

A nickel indicates that you and the deceased trained at boot camp together, while a dime
means you served with him in some capacity. By leaving a quarter at the grave, you are telling the family that you were with the solider when he was killed.

According to tradition, the money left at graves in national cemeteries and state veterans
cemeteries is eventually collected, and the funds are put toward maintaining the cemetery or paying burial costs for indigent veterans.

In the US, this practice became common during the Vietnam war, due to the political divide
in the country over the war; leaving a coin was seen as a more practical way to communicate that you had visited the grave than contacting the soldier's family, which could devolve into an uncomfortable argument over politics relating to the war.

Some Vietnam veterans would leave coins as a "down payment" to buy their fallen comrades a beer or play a hand of cards when they would finally be reunited.

The tradition of leaving coins on the headstones of military men and women can be traced to as far back as the Roman Empire.



I will certainly be doing some more reading on this subject the very second I get some free time. 

Thanks for reading.

DREDD 3D : THE REVIEW

 'MaMa Isn't the Law. I am the law.'


WARNING! THIS CONTAINS SPOILERS!

As a comic book fan I grew up on Marvel, swept away by Chris Claremont's truly stunning run on the X-Men that led all the way up to issue 200 and of course, I took my weekly thrills from the often dark and violent pages of that British Giant 2000AD.

Dredd was never my favourite strip in the mag but I did love him. The fanatic with a gun and a badge who always follows the law and never gets it wrong. The figure head for the street Judges that always spells danger when you see him because no-one is innocent, everyone has something to hide from the Governing body which rules with an iron fist.

The first Judge Dredd was a vehicle for Sly and it stank! There were parts of it that surprised me and at the time I was delighted to see the Angel Gang and convinced myself that perhaps those small pieces of joy were enough, of course they were not. It was a diabolical movie from start to finish and spat in the face of every Dredd fan, writer, and artist and wiped its arse on those beloved pages.

You get the point that I thought it was shit yeah? Good.

Judge Anderson

Here comes 2012 and we had a new Dredd film in the offing. It was packaged as a 3D action movie that was faithful to the original comic book legend and a stark and bravely realised world. I was excited. I rushed to the cinema and then later picked it up on Blu-Ray. I watched said Blu-Ray on my nice big t.v this week and me and my good mate watched the credits roll and waited for the main menu and then came the, 'I have some issues.' (see what I did there?)

We had the same issues it turns out and speaking with other guys I know they have the same issues as well, so I figured I'm not alone in saying that it was a really good film, but not the all conquering hero we were told that it was and the beast many other fans have claimed it is.

First off let me say I think Dredd 3D is a great film, well shot, with great technical and visual excellence. I thought everyone that stared was pretty much perfect. I loved Karl Urban as Dredd, Olivia  Thirlby as Anderson and Lena Headey's 'MaMa' was pitched perfectly. They were backed up by a great cast and no-one put a foot wrong. The Block looks brilliant, the uniforms are brilliant, the guns, the effects, the action and the graffiti that is smootherd all over the walls is, of course, brilliant.

All these things lead me to tell you I loved this film, but it was not a 'perfect Dredd' with the strip 'realised to its fullist'. That was never going to happen, no matter what, but some of the decisions made did bug me. Let me hit you up.

We have the Judges, they are the Law, they are the ones that deliver all justice, they keep the peace and they control the population. Yes, I remember there being counsellors and local political figures, but make no mistake, The JUDGES rule Mega City One. Now I didn't like the statistical breakdown of crime at the beginning. Judges respond to 6% of all crime reported. Nope. No, No, No. In New York in the nineties they implemented 'Zero Tolerance', a policy that stated that every call must be followed up, no matter what. Now this led to a sweeling in the police ranks of course, this also resulted in a vast amount of cases being closed because they chased everything and even though they were called in to ask the neighbour to give the guy his cat back, they'd knock, find he was on drugs, enter, find a weapon, trace the weapon to a murder victim and that case would be attended to.

The following up of wide scale crime can be implemented in reality, all you need is a large police force and a database. This is something that should have been in place for the film. The idea that committing crime will see you do time, almost certainly, at some point. The judges and their cameras are everywhere, they are the fucking secret police but they have the power to Execute you on the spot! They close cases as fast as they open them and if you do something serious there is a very good chance you will risk the wrong end of the gun.

Obviously not all criminals are caught but for me the film didn't convey the power, force or consistency of the Judges and their Grip on the populous of Mega City One.

Secondly, and this is a biggy; the dirty Judges that turn up half way through make no sense! To be a Judge you have to be a Zealot of the worst fucking kind. The law man must believe without question and if he finds himself doubting? If he or she feels that they are losing their faith then they take 'The Long Walk.' Armed with a rifle they head out into the Cursed Earth to deliver Justice there until it claims their life.

To sign up to be a Judge means to be indoctrinated from an incredibly young age, to be brought up to believe that if the law breaks down then the citizens will all die. The LAW protects people and Mega City One from becoming more of a hell than it already is. For the first film this should have been put across properly. It should have been the line that Judges are the ultimate line in defence of the citizen  from the citizen.They are untouchable! Unbreakable! Uncorruptable!

Obviously 2000AD have had many mad, corrupt, power crazed or even 'fluffier' Judges in the past, but this comic has been running for a long time and they are not the norm.A dirty Judge is a rare, rare thing and so should have been saved for the second film.

So what would they have done with all that extra running time that the dirty Judges took up? Kill all the hundreds of 'MaMa's gang members that were gathered and read to kill Anderson but seemed to disapear in the final reel. It would have been a standard fight but they could have upped the action, brought Dredd some hand to hand and got the damn trunchen out! Those padded knuckleduster gloves, the years of training and put a different gun in Dredd's hands! Something that went 'BOOM!'

This would have corrected the final and biggest flaw; no-one seemed to know or care who Judge Dredd was! The dirty Judges were the only ones that really name checked him and gave him props! Where was the terror of his victims, the rep of the most dangerous man In Mega City One? Criminals didn't tremble or worry, they dived towards him and the gravity of his name was not conveyed properly at all. HE IS THE LAW! The ultimate Judge! Genetically engineered to be the bad ass that he is! He is the Terminator, The Equaliser, The Expendables and Dirty Harry all in one!

They missed the point.

The film is called Dredd...but he was treated as just another Judge for the most part.

The end was good, Loved it in fact though I did miss the extra gang members and thought it was perhaps too easy an assault on the final base, but fuck it, I can live with that.

I really loved this film, it felt good to watch it and even after questioning all of these points and agreeing that opportunities were missed and that it suffered from trying to make the Judges more human by Corrupting some of them I still loved it.

The niggles didn't detract from my enjoyment and love of the movie, which tells you more about the film than all the moaning waffle above probably.

DREDD 3D 8/10.

Silent Sunday

Music Monday : Waiting Game

“Procrastination is like masturbation, it’s fun at first but then you realize you just screwed yourself.”

Yes, you guessed it, I've been doing fuck all again. This for me doesn't mean I've been sitting on my arse and picking my nose, nope, obviously we have a new baby and so I doing all the things I should be doing like housework and getting the kids out and being responsible...and that is good, but also bad. Don't think this is a moan about all those things, its not, it is however a moan at myself as I have sat on my arse for months (I feels like) not accomplishing what I needed to. 

Stupid Edd.

So today Music Monday brings you five songs to wait around to. Five songs that say; 'hey, waiting isn't always bad. Sometimes it can be time to think.' I hope, no, I know that is partially the case, but of course the other side is a dire, choking apathy that clouds of life and smoother's my dreams and aspirations from within. Its a fucking bastard monkey that hangs around my neck and one I know I can beat...I just have to put some effort in!

BANANA PANCAKES by Jack Johnson

This is a chilled out track that is a happy little trip into cheerful procrastination. Love the idea that you can just shut the windows and doors and the world can just go fuck off. It appeals too much!





WAITING IN VAIN by Bob Marley

Nothing to say about this other than its an amazing song and well, Its about waiting.






WHEN THE MAN COMES AROUND by Johnny Cash

Love this song and yeah, the whole waiting for when the man comes around thing is right on the money here. I sometimes feel I'll be long dead before I get anything done of note outside of the house.





TROUBLE by Coldplay

Happy one yeah? Sorry. As it stands my standing around is almost certainly causing 'trouble' in my own head.





Finally, for a swan song, we head into the land of Cohen, at the house of Leonard, for a master class in bringing you down. This is a seriously moody song, one that I love, but certainly its not a happy bunny. It's also how I feel about my position at present, waiting for a miracle rather than going out and getting it!




This marks the end of my lazy ass. Really! I know I've said it before (I'm sure I have said it here but I can't be arsed to go back and check) but I mean it. Next week you get triumph and flowers being pulled from sleeves and fireworks and cartwheels!

This week should have been a brilliant post as #TrojanHero blessed us with his presence just six days ago, but today didn't go well. Next weeks will be huge though.

I hope.

Thanks for reading a listening.

SLEDGE MAD SUPER RIDERS!

The snow came in full force today and so we suited up and headed into the the 'big white' for some serious sledging. Now obviously the sensible thing to do would be to leave the little people at home and take just the big monsters as it's quite a trek to the slopes on the downs but that really isn't how I roll and @mamacrow looked like she needed the quiet with #TrojanHero so I took everyone. EVERYONE?! ARE YOU CRAZY?!

Obviously.

The slopes we go to are over a mile away, we have three sledges and there were seven of us. Yup, not even the numbers make sense in this case, and yet that's what we did. I dragged Dot (who is very, very three at the moment) all the damn way on the sledge she became attached to, Petal walked through the snow as did all the others. Along the streets, through the park, across the golf course and up the hill we went and I have to tell you between the stray snowballs that slapped my arse, the not so stray snowballs that slapped my arse and the inevitable piss taking snowballs that slapped into my arse as I dragged Dot I was not finding the trip that funny.

We arrive at the foot of our downs Golf Course hill and Bam! Dot wants to go home. Erg. I changed her gloves, gave her a hug and convinced her to take it in her stride and yes! SHE DID! We reached the top, hammered down that slope a whole bunch of times and then finally Fluff and Petal decided that it was time to shiver and scream (fair enough) and so we headed home. 

The way back was a shoulder carry for Dot all the way while we staggered through the ever heavier falling snow and plenty of moaning whining and complaining because it was cold and they were tired (still fair enough, it was a long journey in hostile conditions). I took it in my stride, tried not to tell the mini's off and for the most part did ok and finally we arrived home over two hours after we'd left, wet, cold but ultimately we had survived. 

I would tell you that I'll be leaving the smalls behind next time but it would be a lie! All day Dot chatted about going down the slopes and how much she enjoyed it. Yeah, that is a heavily edited version of the events but that's ok with me. I hope she looks back and remembers that I took her when I could and we enjoyed all the time we could together as a family. I hope she remembers the wind in her face and the whoosh of the slope. I hope she remembers that it doesn't matter how far somewhere is, if you want to get there and you try hard enough then you can.

Or am I reading too much into all this? 

Probably.

Silent Sunday

NEW BABY!!!

I was awoken by text at six o clock this morning. Mamacrow (my long suffering wife) was indeed downstairs and informed me the contractions were now strong and regular. The night before things had gotten semi exciting but had calmed down by eleven o clock and so she had retreated to bed and I stuck up my regular Monday post and followed her.

I got up, headed down and ran the bath as she puffed calmly on the rocking chair (no she wasn't smoking). The home birth we had in mind had been slightly under threat at the end of last week as she went seven days over her due date and she had been handed a booking in date for the eighteenth to be induced in hospital. Now, thankfully, it looked like we were going to avoid going into hospital, something mamacrow desperately wanted to do (avoid the hospital birth that is)..

Bath, contractions, all the mess and noise of a birth but tone it down and you have the right idea. mamacrow calmly went through the process and didn't shout and didn't really moan at all and no, she didn't take any pain relief at all. She truly is an amazing person. As the contractions got stronger her waters broke, they were very cloudy and contained a fair amount of Mulconin (that's the wrong spelling but the right substance) which meant that no mater what we were looking at a trip to hospital for the baby and her.

At 8 03 the lovely Midwife called for an emergency ambulance, as I listened to her mamacrow sat up and I could see she was obviously having a very strong contraction. I was stunned to look down into the water and see Babies head, I called the midwife (pretty panicked I must admit) and she took hold of  the baby as I helped hold mamacrow up and with one push out came the baby!

Straight out of the water, straight into his mothers arms and covered with a towel to try and keep him warm. We knew we were due to head to the hospital but now it wasn't an emergency, now we could take the panicked rush and bin it as the midwife did a quick check and confirmed baby was absolutely fine.

Baby was born at 8 05. Awesome!

My wife never ceases to amaze me when she takes something like this and makes it look easy, obviously it isn't, but that is what she does. She enters into the pain, hormone floods and instinctive craziness that is child birth without drugs, gas and air, or panic. This is our last child, number seven, we both agree on that so its worth stating even more than normal that she is without doubt truly remarkable.

We went to the hospital later and rested in a quiet room off the ward. The nurse came round and snipped the excess skin in babies mouth so freeing his tongue so he could latch on properly, he was doing well before the snip, he was doing brilliantly afterwards!

I left mamacrow and Baby at the hospital at 3. 30, picked up the kids from their granma's (who lives next door) and have sorted the house and chilled with the kids. We can't wait for mum and baby to come home tomorrow and I think that they both proved they were awesome today.

Baby was 8lbs and 10 ounces, has a very strong neck and is named (quite fittingly I think) Hector.

Here come the awesome baby pics.

Music Monday 'Having a pop'

Augustus Hill: When you take revenge on somebody, you are actually paying them the highest compliment possible. It's like saying, "You've affected my life to such an extent that I must reciprocate. I must affect your life as deeply as you have mine". Revenge may be the ultimate Hallmark card. Yeah. When you think of it like that, the cliché is true. Revenge *is* sweet. 

I watched every episode of an American prison drama called 'Oz'. It was harsh and depressing and brutal and in all honesty I loved it.

I think its some of the best television ever filmed. 

I recognise that is a seriously ridiculous thing to state when so many shows have been filmed and how the hell can you compare 'Doctor Who' to 'Oz' or 'Dexter' or 'M*a*s*h' ? You just can't. The genres dictate how brave, confrontational and even upsetting the episodes can be and yet I stick to my guns. This is pure television Diamond! Gold is for good shows, even great shows, but Diamond? Its A  super stamp!

No, you haven't tuned in on the wrong day; this is Music Monday, but today I became aware of a cowardly attack on someone I know and like and presumably Revenge was the motive. So here we are. Looking for revenge in revenge? NO! We are here to show people that we are better than their attacks and their petty little snipes at us. 

Fuck em! Its jealousy and its bitterness and you know what? Its small. 

Lets rise above revenge and negative arseholes and catch a ride on some majestic tunes; music to make the soul soar so that when we look down and see the blacken souls of our detractors we know we have touched the sky while they are still rolling in the dirt.

BRIDGE OVER TROUBLED WATER by Simon and Garfunkel

A HOBBITS UNDERSTANDING (Frodo and Sam's theme) by Howard Shore

An odd choice? No. Lord Of The Rings is a story of epic battles and a world conflict, where wizards throw spells and warriors clash swords, and yet its also about how the smallest of people armed with hope, bravery and brotherly love can move mountains.

For me Sam and Frodo are the real heroes, forging their way through the world of horror, loss, pain and danger out of hope for a better future, free of evil. Its long, its amazing and it makes me fill with that warm fuzzy hope that there is not only amazing people doing amazing things out there but that they are doing it against amazing odds.





SHINNY HAPPY PEOPLE by REM

Another odd one but we have to remember that being there for each other isn't just for when all is shitty. Nope, the world is full of shinny happy people that make our lives awesome. The arseholes get to be on the news but the day to day gems get to rest in our hearts.





HAND IN MY POCKET by Alanis Morissette

This song always makes me smile, always makes me feel relaxed, reminds me that I am the master of my own emotions and reactions to negativity. That I can take it on the chin because even though I have plenty of things that warrant criticism I also have a vast amount of awesomeness too, that more-often-than-not cancels the bad out.



and finally we have a song that should stir the good, loving feelings in anyone and lift them above their petty negativity and bring them to see we all live on this same sweet Earth, all have good and bad in us and that it only takes choosing to look for the good to be able to see that this is indeed...A Wonderful World




My version of the truth is that this is indeed a wonderful world, filled with wonderful people and you know, when you come into contact with the ones the are intent on spreading their own brand of bitterness you have the choice to make. Do you become one of their disciples and pass that shitty vibe on to the next person that crosses your path or do you just look around, say 'fuck it' and walk away?

In the end you probably do yourself the greater favour by taking the higher ground whenever you can.

Slightly preaching tonight, slightly weird and perhaps slightly disjointed. Sorry folks, but that's the funny thing with these emotions and situations. It's never simple.

Hope you enjoyed the tracks and the words. See you next week.

Silent Sunday

The Chronicles Of Professor Elemental!!

You may remember (if you've been reading for some time) that yours truly went on a wee adventure into acting early last year? Well, after a long wait and many months of excitement the Chronicles Of Professor Elemental has been released!

YES!!!!

So, thoughts? Well the episodes are posted below and so I won't ruin anything but I will say I felt it was really funny, with clever dialogue and the people in it totally nailed their parts. Great! In truth I was exceptionally worried I'd not only look uncomfortable and stupid but I'd also be buggering it up for everyone else but gladly I think they managed to keep me in but have me not kill it.

YES!!

As you watch (I hope you will) you'll see me in a brown suit looking flustered, Roo (our wonderful twelve year old) as a 'space saver' and my lovely wife @Mamacrow as a gorgeous, very made up lady in episode two's 'You remind me of a car' song.

YES!!! (No, I don't know what I'm on about either. Sorry)

So I hope you watch it, enjoy it, appreciate its wacky, off the wall humour and then do us a favour? Watch it again. You see everyone involved needs it to be in demand so they can get a shot at perhaps some form of extended television contract! So watch it and then do me a favour and stick it on every now and then. You know, kind of go back and be a repeat offender? Then the other thing you can do is to tell other people about it so they can do the same and get the hits up and give the mini-series the boost it needs to convince the people that make the decisions that this one? This one is the right one for them!

Now I can't imagine I'd be returning to the show if it was commissioned (they'd have money to hire good people that can act) but I know the other people involved in the project are awesome and would get some love! Obviously Professor Elemental (super chap I have much love for and whose music makes me smile), Ben Field (the great director and guy that gave me the opportunity in the first place), Moog (he did all that amazing animation and also held that big furry thing that picks up sound while filming), the awesome Grace (who plays Clara and really is a lovely person) and Dan (an excellent, friendly guy with an evil laugh and a talent with unicycles).

It would be great to see these wonderful people get some recognition, love and reward for their hard work, patience and talent. Thanks for reading and please...get watching and word spreading!












So, now you've seen it I hope you feel motivated to leap off and do some great people a big favour and help give The Chronicles Of Professor Elemental the best start in life it could get, by giving it as many hits as possible!

Thanks for reading and watching.

Music Monday: Sleeping sounds

First Music Monday of 2013 and the new baby hasn't appeared so my mind wanders to those sleep interupted nights ahead, wondering how we will get this new addition to sleep as well as the others did?Thinking about the music that will switch this child into sleep mode has brought me to pick five pieces of music that clubbed our other children into slumber land, sometimes highly unexpectedly.


USE YOUR ILLUSION by Guns & Roses

Yep, its a weird thing to sleep to but our first child found Axel Rose and his crew so engaging he'd just completely spark out. Was it the amount of times @Mamacrow played the album on c.d or was it that he became bored of the legendary frontman's bullshit at such a young age and just shut himself off? Who knows.

Which song do we put up? I don't want to fight about it at all, but if we did it would be a very polite argument...






Agaetis Bryrjun by Sigur Ros

I know, I know, what the fuck? Well I have no idea how well known they are but they are Icelandic and, well, kind of odd. Its synthetic and melodic, hypnotic and sometimes I think its cool and other times I'm a little conflicted and think it maybe a bit to odd and shit. Not sure.

Roo has always been a weird cat but this is certainly summing up his alternative choices. The album was sent to us by an Internet friend we chatted too who wrote for the the same Star Trek on line role playing game. He was a nice kid and the collaborative nature of the writing for the station our characters were based on was certainly something I feel was a very valuable experience in the early years of my writing.

Roo would hear this and off he's pop. Blink and he was out. Awesome.




BAT OUT OF HELL by Meatloaf

Right, now you'd think this is something not to sleep to right? I mean it gets loud, it goes quiet, then it goes all loud and then slinks back to quiet...you get the idea right? Mad as it sounds The Wig was able to pop off to this with-in minutes, but if you turned it off, he'd wake up. Now I love a bit of the Loaf myself but it was certainly a bit odd.

Still, I think we'd all agree that we don't give a fuck what it is that sends them off, so long as it works! :-)






ORANG-UTAN by Urang-utan

Yes, early seventies rock seems to be the flavour for our seven year old at present and though its not what he listened to as a very small monster it counts here as I think its still a bloody weird choice of what to sleep too.

Now this track is called 'Chocolate Piano' and no, I have no idea why.






So we have had four past tracks and albums, I will now look into the future and predict what our soon to be born baby will want to bed down too.

Ready?






Obviously to have this selection I'd need to own a copy of the song. I inform you somewhat sheepishly that I actually have two...


See you next week, thanks for reading and listening and I ask a simple question; what did your children go to sleep to? Did you use music at all? If you didn't or don't have kids then do you sleep to music?

Don't be scared to comment. I promise I don't bite...

Silent Sunday

Not 'The End'

Got some time at the keys today and so I sat and cleared my head and did the only sensible thing I could; I wrote the bit I wanted to write rather than 'The Sticky bit'. It took me no time to find my way in, no time to find the voice I wanted and no time to get it down.

It's tough to pick a passage to place here as it's all very spoiler orientated, so I'm not going to. All I can tell you is that the end piece is nearly written, that all important, emotionally charged, final fist is flying through the air to crack the reader on the chin. I haven't landed the blow yet, but its been thrown.

How does this make me feel? Odd. I have plenty of 'sticky bits' to do, the work is nowhere near finished and yet I am hunting down the ending anyway. Is that a crap plan? Nope. I don't think so. See I need to be able to rush forward and keep writing and then go back and fill where I got stuck, not because that bit didn't work, but because I wasn't in the mood and I didn't have the time to find that mood within me at that point.

Today I knew I had roughly two hours. I knew I needed to do something that would make me feel like I was winning, like I was getting somewhere? I did that. 

The weird thing is I always envisioned writing to be a process of starting at the beginning, fighting through the middle and finally getting to type 'The End.' I thought (long ago) that you would skim happily through and tidy up and clean and polish. Now I know you look back and strip and rewrite and reread and then rewrite again and fight and wonder what the hell you were thinking that day; the day you couldn't spell 'invasion' or 'Ultimate' for no good reason! I know I'll come through and use a red pen and be happy its there and look down at my work and slash the bastard to ribbons and then stitch it back together again and it'll be better.

I have people to show my work to now and I try to act all tough and 'yeah, just take a look,' but the fact is I'm bricking it when I hand it over. What if it really isn't good? What if I completely strike out and they hate it? What if they suggest changes that I dislike and what if they walk up and just go,'Yeah, it was ok.'? 

I'll put on my 'I can take it face' and I'll take it.That's what I'll do.

This puppy is getting finished this month, first edit done and it's being shown. I know this now. I know because I'm close to the end and I have a need to complete. I have a desire to see those that act as though this is an unachievable goal for me to be silenced. I have a need to validate my own belief that I am good enough. I have the need and the will to win.

Today I nearly typed 'The End.' I know I am a long way from that being truth but today? Today I really believed I'd get there for the first time in what's felt like a long while. 

Worlds Within Cineworlds

I'm not  a flush guy, in fact, I am pretty much broke ninety percent of the time. I don't drink, I don't smoke and I rarely have the cash to spring on the things that I'd classify as 'luxury' like a new graphic novel or that amazing trip to Amazon or H.M.V where I stock my shelves with music to write to and film that inspires me.

(In the background a violin starts to play a mournful tune, playing just for me)

Luckily I have a vice that doesn't really cost me that much and fills me right up! That vice is Cinema and due to my most excellent Cineworld Cinema card I can hit the local screens as many times a month as I like for just £14.99. AREEEBA!!!

(Sad music replaced by an energetic Mexican band playing The Automatics 'Monster')

Last year I saw a crap load of movies and I thought 'why not name and shame them?' So I'm going to. Right now!

Contraband 7/10, Haywire 8/10, War Horse 7/10, Underworld: Awakening 6/10.

Chronicle 8/10, The Woman In Black 4/10, Safehouse 7/10, Ghost Rider 2 -547/10, This Means War 6/10.

John Carter 5/10, Hunger Games 8/10, The Raid 10/10, Wrath Of The Titans 3/10, Man On a Ledge 5/10.

The Cabin In The Woods 8/10, Safe 7/10, American Pie: The Reunion 6/10,

The Avengers 10/10,The Dictator 8/10

Prometheus 3/10, Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter 6/10, Brave 7/10, Ted 7/10, Snow White and The Huntsman 6/10,.

The Amazing Spiderman 8/10, The Dark Knight Rising 7/10.

Total Recall 7/10, The Bourne Legacy 6/10, The Expendables 2 7/10, Lawless 8/10, Red Lights 7/10.

The Cold Light Of Day 7/10, Raiders Of The Lost Ark IMAX 9/10, Dredd 7/10, Looper 8/10, The Sweeny 5/10.

Taken 2 4/10, Argo 9/10, Seven Psychopaths 7/10, Skyfall 8/10.

Killing Them Softly 7/10, Gambit 7/10

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey 8/10, The Life Of Pi 10/10

The rough numbers above are just based on how much I enjoyed the films, not how technically excellent they were or how clever. Obviously the Total Recall remake was not a smart cookie (watch the final reel...O.M.G its dumb) but it was incredibly fun and silly, so it gets the same mark as The Dark Knight Rising, which seems unfair I know, but TDKR really left me cold.

Now that was a very dry and dull way to present a year that thrilled me in so many different ways and so instead I want you to go back up and re-read the list while pretending I'm pulling off a T-Shirt with the films name and then another one with the rating on it in a 'We don't have to take our clothes off,' music video kind of way.

As you get to Taken 2 I run out of T-shirts and have to remove the rest of my clothes. Its getting scary as I reach for my pants and dammit! WHY THE HELL IS IT THE HOBBIT?!

FUCK THIS GAME! I'M OUT OF HERE!!!

(I have posted a pic to allow you a better idea of the what I would look like sands clothes....)


Maybe not...

Writer

Scene: A car travels down a quiet motorway in the middle of the night, its speed legal, its strict adhearance to its lane undeniable. The only indication of the darkness to come being a suspicious banging coming from the boot.

Cut To: The car pulls down a slip road and continues, the banging getting more pronounced. The brake lights flash red and the car drifts to the side of the road. Out of the drivers door comes a thin, bearded, shifty looking small man in a white Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure T-shirt, a cheap pair of combat trousers stained with plaster dust and mud and in his left hand he carries a large, wickedly sharp kitchen knife.

Cut To: The boot opens with the camera pointing out to see the blade wielding streak of piss looking menacingly at the inside of the boot. The camera shows a body of a dude lying in the boot, he's wearing the same clothes, he's the same size and shape as the driver and damn, its the same man, perhaps his twin? He's staring up, terrified by the driver. He's covered in blood and shifting limply around in an attempt to find some place to hide from the maniac poised above him.
The man above looks down and smiles with contempt. There's a squeal from the boot and then the stabbing starts; brutal, visceral, deadly. The driver steps back dumping the knife beside his victims lifeless body and then draws a breath and slams the boot.

The red light floods the killers face making him look deranged and demonic. The camera closes in and he stares at the audience.

'Ever Since I can remember I always wanted to be a Writer.'

Black screen. Killer soundtrack explodes into life.

Ok, that was me doing Goodfellas and I clearly am not Ray Liotta (thank god!) but I am the man with the knife...and the man in the boot. See last year I kidnapped the guy that didn't send what he wrote off and though he thought he had something to offer he didn't think that anyone would want to be offered it. I took that guy, the guy I'd been for the last eleven years and I beat him up and made him tell me what I wanted to know and then I threw him in the boot and went for a drive.

This year I'm not just writing and I'm not just sending off in the hope of getting affectionate rejection letters. This year I'm publishing anything that the established order doesn't want. This year I'm making in roads, kicking in doors, taking names and kicking ass. In short, and to cut away any more boring clichés, I am going to succeed.

Watch me. I will fight my way to some form of success. I'm going to end the year with cuts and bruises, a gun shot wound to my ego and people are going to need to wrap me in a blanket and usher me off to the ambulance, but as the credits roll it will be undeniable.

This year I win.